The clock is five minutes away from striking one, and the guests slowly shuffle on the gravel path towards the manor, careful not to dirty their white sport clothes. Dom looks at his watch and smiles excitedly, 'Right on time'.
He opens the door gallantly for the guests to enter and winks at the figure of Roland with his trolley full of scones.
* * *
Mary immediately nods to Edgar from her position amongst the rafters. The wicked duet have lined several buckets filled with soapy water and with a brief nod Edgar begins to push them off the roof causing them to crash all over Dom and his guests.
* * *
"Welcome to the twilight Croquet party!" he smiles charmingly at Mrs Dolores, who was busily fastening her now soaked shawl.
"I hope the weather improves," She says in a somewhat senile manner.
"Don't worry Ma'am, this party shall be held indoors".
Mary immediately swans down the stairs resplendent in ostrich feathers her chestnut hair wound around her neck.
"Why Mrs Dolores it's so delightful of you to attend our little swarray! Unfortunately my associate Mr Odium is currently suffering from acute constipation and needs to see a doctor."
Dom turns around and smiles at her triumphantly. "Delightful weather for indoor croquet don't you agree Sue?"
He slides her arm around Mrs Dolores's and takes her to the drawing room "Do not worry about her, she is suffering the tenth month of pregnancy. Awful hormones!"
"I know all about hormones!" Mrs Dolores nods agreeably.
"Delightful weather for removing the pole out of your arse don't you agree Mr Odium?" Mary called after him.
"My she's certainly carrying it well, I can barely see a bump!" she added as an after thought.
"I know! Its fantastic!" he cries behind his shoulder.
"Don't be silly Mrs Dolores, she's a Mary Sue. These things work out perfectly. I hear she's having quadruplets too," he whispers politely into her ear. He pats Roland's shoulder and looks at the scones. "My they look scrumptious. Did your mother help?" and winks charmingly at Mrs Dolores.
"So are you the father you old goat?" Roland asked loudly.
"Certainly. What ever do you expect of housemates?" He replies loudly so all five hundred guests can hear. The crowd goes silent and stares at Mary Sue.
"Oh don't be silly dommie bear, why everyone knows what happened to you after that awful war in Vietnam" she smiled cheerfully after a moments pause.
"Ah but you nursed me back to life, all night too my dear." He grins wickedly and passes the milk. "Anyway, enough about our sex life, whose in for some tea?"
"The tea's been fed to the elephant," said Mary Sue nodding to her own apprentice Corinth who was eyeing Roland with hungry eyes. Corinth nods eagerly and swallows when she caught Roland's gaze.
"That's alright, I have some kept in storage." He pulls out some china teapots from a contraption in the floorboards. "You don't mind me sharing my carpentry skills do you darling?" and begins pouring the tea.
"Oh of course not sweetheart, as long as you make your own coffin!" she laughed happily.
"Ill make us a set" he smiles.
"Its so hard to see such commitment these days!" Exclaimed Mrs. Dolores happily and held Mary Sue's hand with a twinkle in her eye. "You're so lucky, my ex husband told me to rot in hell - alone!"
"Oh Dom tells me that all the time," Mary said shooting the Mary Sue Hunter a furious look.
Dom smiles happily and began handing out the croquet bats. "Would you care to join Sue? I think you'd be delighted to see what type of course we made with the lounge room."
"Oh my me." Mary Sighed, her fists clenching with anger.
Everyone gathered and into the lounge room and started to bat the ball about for about five minutes before the doors burst open and several packs of dogs swarmed into the manor, barking madly.
"AHA!" Screeched Mary with triumph.
The master of the hunt strode into the lounge room his antlers glistening in the light, he was also wearing a bow tie.
Dom raised an eyebrow at Mary as the dogs started chasing the hunters around the room. Roland and Dom looked at each other, equally amused. Dom looked the master up and down distastefully at his clashing gold tie and silver tuxedo.
"Gate crashing again?"
" I was invited foolish demi god," roared the master of the hunt.
" Kill" he said mildly and his hounds attacked the hunters clawing into their throats.
"Oh dear, look what I've done" said Mary faking distress.
"Demi God?" Dom's mouth twitched in amusement and glared at Mary "Don't worry darling, I'm sure the blood would leave a lovely souvenir on the carpet."
He picked up a nearby cup of tea and began sipping it non-chalantly. "Roland can you please start the engine of the chariot and get some of the trolls to collect the rest of the hunters home. I've got a game to settle with your mother."
In the background Mrs. Dolores could be heard: "I just LOVE puppies!"
Mary snarled with surprise and turned to the master of the hunt.
"Why aren't they attacking this cretin?" she snapped and the Master of the hunt stared at her calmly.
"He is not a hunter," he told her and Mary's mouth widened with shock.
Dom, who happened to be listening in on a bunch of hunter's mothers and Mary Sues chatter about puppies swiveled his hips tauntingly as he readied his shot.
Meanwhile Corinth sidled towards Roland by the chariot and glared at him "Why do your kind keep coming back when you're not wanted?"
" I am wanted, my fearless leader invited me" said Roland mildly turning away from her with disinterest.
"Besides Ms Highway should be arriving as soon as she's located her curling iron"
Corinth glared at Roland "Well my master does not want you here, or any of your kind. And why aren't the dogs attacking him?!" She pointed demandingly at Dom.
"Why don't you figure that out for yourself Ms Smytheforde?" he chuckled wandering off.
"YOU SUCK YOU BIG SUCKY THING LIKE THE SUCKIEST THING EVER!" She cried desperately behind him and pouted childishly.
" Rollie bear!" Honey's voice suddenly shrieked as she ran towards him, tripping in her kitten heels, she was of course dressed in a feather trimmed see-through camisole. She immediately threw herself as him and he picked her up swirling her around in the air.
"You were saying Ms Corinth?" he asked.
Corinth's expression melted as she saw Honey and smiled wearily. "Hello Honey. Sorry I have to go now, the goddess wants me."
" Lets go do it in this wheel thingy!" Honey shrieked and Roland and Honey disappeared into the chariot.
* * *
Mrs. Dolores's team was ten scores in front of the other team, to the Master of Hunt's dismay - who happened to be highly invigorated by the game. The hunters, meanwhile, were still struggling desperately to rid the dogs off their clothes. Most of them were nearly naked, to the attentive gaze of the Mary Sues.
Dom passed some scones to Mary Sue. "If you try to bend lower to look down the bat you might actually hit one in," he smirked.
"Sod off" she suggested, whacking him in the shins with her mallet.
"Feisty. You mustn't be getting enough sleep."
" Why the hell are you doing this?" Mary Sue suddenly asked, tossing the mallet carelessly onto the floor.
"I'm only obeying the rules you gave me. Perhaps you should have converted something to metric."
"You know what I mean you rude cad!" she shrieked with frustration.
"Such as?" He raised his eyebrow in an infuriatingly relaxed fashion.
"Your personality disorders! You're up, you're down - you're totally out of control!"
"I think you should remind yourself of your own composure." He said distractedly as Mrs. Dolores walloped the Master of Hunt with her mallet.
"I just don't understand the way you treat me" she admitted sheepishly and she marched off to the buffet table.
"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us," He muttered to the audience and signaled for them to stop. It was 1:25am exactly and the guests slowly departed, waving enthusiastically.
Mary Sue groaned rolling her eyes and wondered briefly where her vodka went.
Mrs. Dolores, supported by her other ten sons looked at Dom as she was about the step into the carriage "Dom dear, have you seen Roland?"
"No idea ma'am" he frowned. Roland had been missing for the past five minutes.
She smiled happily and opened the door "Well he knows his way home, we're having roast mutton tonight!"
"At this hour?"
"Never too early for supper!"
She opened the carriage door and shrieked.
" Hello Mrs. Rollies mum!" Honey smiled, strapping on her bra.